One of the kids just bought a TV, so I had some suggestions for her on what to watch. The following are the programs that the Family Channel should be showing:
Who's Driving This Bus? - A reality show about family conflict, interspersed with long periods of travel to the relatives' and reviews of mediocre southern-style food as served at strip malls in the Northeast. The truly interesting premise behind this program is that all the conflict is over issues on which the participants already agree.
She's Not My Cousin! - A game show that tries to answer the question, "Is my father's mother's cousin once removed actually related to me?" In tonight's episode, contestants try to find out if they are related to Vladimir Lenin, through a connection on the maternal grandparent's side. Recently discovered photographs show my great-grandfather around 1910 looking very similar to the soon to be Soviet leader, with the familiar goatee and cap, plus both he and Lenin were at least partially Jewish, around the same height, and lived in the same general area in Europe. And, they both kept changing their names! There is even evidence that suggests that Lenin may have stopped in at the family bakery in Riga during his flight to Switzerland. Bagels or bolshevism? You be the judge.
What's Daddy Going to Eat? - a game show in which untrained men with no culinary competence are left to fend for themselves, for periods of up to three days, while their wives take a break, visiting children and other acknowledged relatives. There is a complex scoring system, where credits earned by nuking frozen hot dogs are wiped out by a run to the local Chinese take-out place, with double penalty points assessed for having Chinese for both lunch and dinner. Style points are added or subtracted, depending on whether or not food is consumed at the table, in the living room, or standing over the kitchen sink. Double style points if utensils are used, triple points if the utensils are washed between uses and not left in the sink awaiting the next course. Bonus points can be earned by baking a cake, but only if that is not the main meal of the day.
Do You Ever Clean Up Around Here? - another game show, in which the wife from "What's Daddy Going to Eat" returns home, and tries to figure out if anything has been vacuumed, swept, washed, wiped down,or otherwise cleaned in her absence. Double points if laundry has been done, triple for bathrooms. The highlight of this game show is the search for the secret schmutz, left in an otherwise high-traffic area but sure to be ignored. At the end of the program,the wife returns home, and reveals to the studio audience the location of this cache of crud. The audience then votes on the probability that the husband even saw anything out of the ordinary,much less cleaned it up.
Supermarket Slalom - where wives try to track down their husbands and their shopping carts in a confusing maze of aisles and week-end special offers. The object of the game is for the wives to get everything on their weekly shopping list and place them in the cart, while their husbands maneuver the carts at random, placing extraneous items in the cart while removing others. The husband wins if any three of the non-essential items that he added equal either the monetary or caloric value of all other food items combined, or if he successfully eludes his wife, and makes it to the check-out counter while she is still carrying six or more items.
You Bought What? - Similar to "The Price Is Right", but in reverse. The female contestant is given a dollar figure, and asked to choose which of three items her spouse actually bought. The main categories are Specialty Food That is Bad for Us, High Tech Gizmos We Don't Need, and Abstruse Reading Material We Could Have Gotten at The Library.
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